so let's have another one of those nights vanessa stay home watch tv on the couch..cry till you can't breathe and think about how you're gunna be lonely forevere. yup sounds fun time to hit the melatonin...

Hope is betrayed by disastrous glory of sea-capes, sun-torment of whitecaps there must be new innocence for us to be stayed by.

sometimes i feel its partly my fault that you fucked up big time

So i did some dream interpreting from my dreams last night

1.i need to get laid

2.i need to find my inner peace

3.i need to start dealing with my emotions

4.i’m suffering from confusion and anxiety

5.i’m feeling indifferent, alone and neglected

6.i’m wallowing in my negative emotions

7.some area of my life is out of control

8.something is coming to an end in my life

….yeah great

did i mention how much i hate myself.
I hate how I can never stick to things
I hate how I try to make myself something im not
I hate how I start to loose weight and fuck myself over when i see it working
I hate how I feel like I just wanna cover my body up in tattoos so no one can see how ugly it really is
I hate how I feel so low of myself
I hate how I am sitting in my house instead of outside in life
I hate how I can't take my own advice half the time
I hate how I don't listen to myself
I hate how I hate everything
I hate how I can't make someone feel 100% better
I hate how I know my parents are broken
I hate how I listened to the lies my parents told me as a child
I hate how I can't have my childhood back
I hate how I cant rewind
I hate how I can't stop myself from growing old
I hate how I can't stop time and stay 18 forever
I hate how I still can't get over the fact that im in college
I hate how I am growing up
I hate how I am crying right now
I hate how I hate the world
I hate how I know one day I won't be here.
I hate how I am scared of everyone and the world

Proud

I honestly want to say im really fucking proud of myself. This ^ use to be my life now I've been trying to get out of my house as much as I can and i really but myself foward on loosing weight. I record whatever i eat even if i cheat and i do sit ups and sqauts every night before i go to bed. I will accomplish my new years resolution. So far i've been doin really good and i just cant stop telling myself im proud. I cant get too proud tho because then ill start slacking so i still gotta say "ewww look ahow fat you are". I still have one more thing I have to accomplish tho and i think im coming close :)

Status

I decided to write in here whenever i feel like it.I never kept a diary as a kid and I feel i was trying to make this into one i cant just write down my day on some web page it doesnt benefit me because when i look back on the things i dind't like i hate myself after. i dont wanna be reminded of my mistakes,

I'm making myself sick to my stomach over you and i dont know why. I wanna rip myself apart when i see your status but when i talk to you i could never do that. fucking lame dude. i'm different when i talk to you and im happy but when im not talking to you im back to my oldself..im just in the best of fucking moods right now :| everytime you care it makes it worse and i just grow more upset. i wanna tell you but its not in my place so lies all around for now....